


Loki's Human Nature

by Ennuit



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Lots of Angst, M/M, Memory Loss, Possibly dubious consent due to identity issues, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 03:54:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3676404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ennuit/pseuds/Ennuit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>He wakes up screaming a name. The name of a person he doesn't know.</em>
</p>
<p>While hiding out at Thor's apartment, Loki ends up showing Thor his human side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Why Thor's apartment? Why is that the only place Loki can think to go?  
  
He only has a second to decide. A second before the seal will close again and he'll be trapped forever. He ignores the pain, the tendrils of well-crafted magic invading his mind. He focuses on that one place, that one person.  
  
Thor's apartment.  
  
Thor is standing in the kitchen when Loki appears next to him in a flash of golden light, battered and bloody. Loki barely registers the look of shock on Thor's face before his strength gives out and he collapses to the floor. Thor is leaning over him now, reaching for the small smoldering book that Loki clutches in his hand. Loki regains his focus long enough to yell a warning to stay back.  
  
Thor freezes and backs away. He's saying something, but Loki can't hear right now. The pain is too great. With his free hand, Loki grabs the forearm that holds the book. Light blossoms on the skin beneath his fingers forming a glowing ring that encircles his arm. Loki takes several heaving breaths. The pain subsides somewhat, and the aggressive magic seems to be held at bay for now.  
  
Loki grimaces as he looks at Thor. He tries to explain what is going on, why he needs to immediately seal away his memories and magic, but it's clear Thor doesn't understand. So he puts it as plainly as he can. He tells Thor he'll be found and killed if he doesn't hide. He asks Thor to protect him. It takes all his willpower to speak the two words that he knows will save him.  
  
“Please, brother.”  
  
And Thor agrees. Just as Loki knew he would.  
  
The barrier is weakening. Loki knows he doesn't have much time. He manages with great effort to remove one of his daggers from his coat. He grips it in a trembling hand, already beginning the enchantment as he rushes to explain to Thor.  
  
“This dagger will be me. I'm sealing all my magic, all my memories, within it. Keep it safe. Keep it hidden from me. I'll make myself believe I'm mortal and give myself false memories. When it's safe, give the dagger back to me and I will be myself again.”  
  
Thor's eyes are fixed on the glowing ring around Loki's arm as it begins to flicker out of existence. Thor quickly asks how he will know when it's safe.  
  
“You'll know.”  
  
That's all Loki manages to say before the barrier fades completely. He screams in pain tossing the dagger away just as the book he holds bursts into eerie blue flames. His screaming continues until the flames fade, leaving nothing but ashes in Loki's hand. Then he slowly closes his eyes and slips into unconsciousness.  
  
–:)|(:–  
  
Finally deeming it safe to touch Loki, Thor quickly searches for injuries and is relieved to find none. The blood splattered over Loki's clothes must not be his own. It's been over a year since he's last seen Loki, and now he appears to him like this? Pain and anger mingle in Thor's heart as he gazes down at Loki's unconscious body. He vaguely wonders what horrible deed Loki must have been doing to put his life in danger so. He shakes his head sadly. Then again, maybe he'd rather not know. But he promised to help him, so of course he will. He never really had a choice. Wearily, he gathers Loki into his arms and carries him to the bedroom, laying him on the bed.  
  
Thor goes back to the kitchen and finds the dagger that Loki thew away. He expects some indication of its recent enchantment, but it simply lies heavy and cold in his hand. For a painful instant, Thor wonders whether Loki actually completed the spell in time, but then he feels a tremor within the weapon, ever so slight. It's not much, but it's enough to make Thor sigh with relief. He carefully wraps the dagger in a pillow case and hides it in the back of the hall closet.  
  
Then he waits, sitting outside of the bedroom like a sentry, for Loki to wake up.  
  
–:)|(:–  
  
Thor wakes with a jolt to Loki's scream, banging his head on the wall in the process. He rushes into the bedroom to see Loki standing, looking down at himself in shock. Thor realizes too late that he probably should have had the foresight to wash the blood off Loki and get him into some clean clothes.  
  
“What the hell happened to me?! Where did all this blood come from?!”  
  
Thor doesn't trust himself to speak. He's still a bit unclear as to exactly what Loki has done. Loki said he'd believe himself to be a mortal now. How exactly is Thor supposed to act towards him?  
  
Loki looks up at him in distress, “Did I have an accident or something?”  
  
“Yes,” Thor says cautiously, deciding to say the first plausible thing that comes to mind, “You were hit by a car.”  
  
“And you didn't take me to a hospital?! Well, thank god it doesn't seem serious...”  
  
Thor furrows his brow in frustration. This may be more difficult than he had anticipated.  
  
Loki walks casually over to Thor's dresser and takes out a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, apparently under the impression that this is his own room and these are his own clothes. “Anyway,” Loki says walking past Thor and into the living room, “I'm going to take a shower.”  
  
Loki pauses awkwardly as he reaches the middle of the room, unsure of which direction the bathroom actually is. Thor motions towards the correct door, “Over there.”  
  
Loki nods appreciatively and heads towards the door.  
  
“Hey,” Thor says, stopping Loki in his tracks, “Um, what's your name?”  
  
Loki turns towards Thor and laughs, “I don't think I hit my head that hard in the accident!”  
  
Thor looks at Loki, his eyes full of worry.  
  
Loki strides over to Thor and places a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “Relax, I'm okay! Loren Olson lives to fight another day!” Loki smiles brightly before turning and disappearing into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.  
  
Thor sinks onto the sofa holding his head in his hands. What in the world has his brother done to himself? Loki said something about false memories. But this? Was this really what he intended? Thor sighs heavily. The only thing he can do now is try and sort out what in the world Loki thinks is going on.  
  
A few minutes later, Loki emerges from the bathroom, grumbling to himself about how he must have lost weight as he tugs at Thor's oversized clothes. Thor calls him over to sit on the sofa and Loki plops down next to Thor, leaning casually against the back of the sofa and resting his head on his arm, without a care in the world. After his shower, Loki somehow looks younger. His pale skin is flushed, his wet hair combed back and dripping water down his neck. Thor's oversized clothes give the illusion that Loki's body is smaller than it is.  
  
Thor can't help but stare at Loki for a few moments. It feels surreal to sit with his brother like this. It's not just the somehow endearing fact that Loki is wearing his clothes, which he hasn't done since they were boys. But what Thor finds most striking is Loki's eyes. Clear and wide and perfectly innocent, gazing contently at Thor. Oh, how Thor has missed seeing those eyes.  
  
Thor clears his throat, looking away and trying to focus on the matter at hand. “So,” Thor begins, unsure if this will actually work, “Why are you here?”  
  
Loki gives him a withering look, “Why am I in my apartment with my roommate?”  
  
“No, um,” Thor tries to think of a way to clarify the question without sounding too obviously ignorant, even though it's apparent that Loki will hardly notice anyway. “What are you doing in New York City?”  
  
Loki rolls his eyes in displeasure, “I thought we already went over this. I'm going to write a book, become a published author, and be famous. Are you already trying to convince me to get a real job?”  
  
Thor relaxes a bit. At least it will be easy to get Loki to talk.  
  
–:)|(:–  
  
Over the next hour or so, Thor awkwardly attempts to pry information out of Loki without being too conspicuous, and Loki answers Thor's questions with a surprising lack of concern for the utter strangeness of the whole situation. Eventually, Thor is able to work out that Loki thinks that Thor's name is Jake and that they are friends who just graduated from some kind of school for writers and moved to New York City together, planning to live off their parents money until they are forced to find actual jobs. The level of detail in the false memories is impressive considering Loki must have somehow constructed them moments before passing out.  
  
“Are we done here?” Loki finally asks when he tires of the inquisition, “I've got some reading I want to do.”  
  
Thor nods. His brain was starting to hurt anyway. Loki jumps up to inspect the bookshelf across the room. The books were a gift from Tony Stark, supposedly all the necessary reading to understand modern Midgardian culture, plus some of his personal favorites. Loki chooses _How to Win Friends and Influence People_ from the bookshelf and returns to the sofa, enthusiastically stretching out across from Thor and draping his legs along the sofa so his feet land unceremoniously in Thor's lap. Thor shoves the invading feet off of him, and Loki lets out a small laugh as he opens the book.  
  
Thor gazes at Loki, a bit stunned. Other than the excessive cheerfulness and strangely indifferent attitude, Loki is acting exactly how Thor remembers him growing up. It's eerie and somewhat disconcerting, considering their stormy relationship since then. Honestly, Thor can't tell whether he's happy about seeing Loki this way or not.  
  
How long will Loki have to stay like this? Fortunately, Thor has just told the Avengers that he's going to visit Asgard, so he can easily put off the trip and stay here without being bothered by anyone. It should be simple enough to live here quietly for a week or so. Surely, Loki wouldn't need to hide longer than that.  
  
Then he remembers Loki's dagger hidden in the closet. It strikes him that Loki has just placed his life in his hands, quite literally. Even after all this time, after everything that's come between them, Loki trusts Thor with his life. The thought makes Thor's heart swell and almost brings him to tears.  
  
–:)|(:–  
  
Thor finds living with Loki easier now that he has some idea of the role Loki expects him to play. Thor gets into the habit of refraining from calling Loki by name, they buy him some new clothes that fit him, and Thor gets used to sleeping on the sofa, since Loki has claimed the bedroom as his own. It takes a few days, but Thor is finally starting feel comfortable around this new Loki.  
  
True to his imagined persona, Loki spends most of his time writing. Thor is shocked to see Loki fill three whole notebooks in almost three days.  
  
“What are you writing?” Thor finally asks.  
  
“Oh, random stuff,” Loki says, sitting cross-legged on the sofa with a notebook in his lap, “but I was thinking of writing a story about two brothers... they're polar-opposites, but they're really close... and something comes between them, but... ah, man, that sounds so cheesy.”  
  
Thor smiles, “I like it. Just make sure to give it a happy ending.”  
  
“Pfft, happy endings are for losers! Real writers aren't afraid to start an epic battle where everyone dies in the end.”  
  
“And then they are reborn and start over?” Thor suggests with a grin, ruffling Loki's hair affectionately.  
  
“What the hell are you talking about?” Loki says, batting away Thor's hand and smoothing out his hair again.  
  
“Nothing,” Thor chuckles as he walks over and sits in the chair across from the sofa.  
  
Thor watches Loki as he writes, vaguely admiring the beauty of the sight of Loki in quiet contemplation. A stray lock of hair falls into Loki's face, and Loki reaches up with his delicate fingers to tuck it behind his ear. Loki's hand ends up resting gently on his pale neck as he leans over the notebook. Thor contemplates that soft hair, that beautiful neck, those delicate-  
  
“What?” Loki says, looking up in annoyance.  
  
“Uh, nothing,” Thor mumbles as he snaps back to reality.  
  
“You're staring,” Loki says, narrowing his eyes at Thor.  
  
“Sorry,” Thor mutters quickly as he gets up and heads for the front door, “I'll go for a walk.”  
  
Outside the door, Thor pauses and takes a deep breath. How did his thoughts wander off like that? How strange to think of Loki that way, almost as if he were a different person. Thor shakes his head, determined to put it out of his mind.  
  
–:)|(:–  
  
Loki wakes up screaming a name. The name of a person he doesn't know.  
  
“Thor!”  
  
He jolts upright in bed, his panicked heart racing as the remnants of the nightmare fade. The bedroom door bursts open, and Thor appears in the dim light, rushing over to Loki.  
  
“Are you well?” Thor asks, concern etched on his face, “You were screaming.”  
  
Loki is still trembling slightly, and he clasps his hands together to stop them from shaking. “It was just a nightmare,” Loki says softly, looking down as he remembers the dream, “It just... felt so real. I remember falling into a void, then I ended up in this awful place. It was so dark and cold. I was calling out for someone to save me... I kept calling out... but he never came...”  
  
Loki is suddenly aware of the tears streaming down his face. As he quickly tries to wipe them away, he finds himself being enclosed in warm arms. Loki's eyes go wide in surprise. Thor's holding him so tightly and so close. It feels so comforting and strangely familiar.  
  
“I'm so sorry,” Thor whispers.  
  
Loki blushes slightly as he gently pushes Thor away. “I'm okay. It was just a dream,” he reassures him, but Thor continues to look at him with worry.  
  
Thor raises his hand to gently cup the back of Loki's neck. Loki's pulse races at the intimacy of the touch. Somehow, it feels like he's been longing for that touch forever. For a long moment, he's held captive by Thor's stormy blue eyes gazing tenderly into his. He almost thinks Thor is going to lean closer and...  
  
But, no... Instead, Thor looks like he wants to say something. It's clear that he's struggling with himself. But in the end, he looks away from Loki, dropping his hand and returning to the doorway. Loki's heart suddenly sinks.  
  
“Goodnight,” Thor says simply as he closes the door behind him.  
  
Loki lets out a breath that he didn't realize he was holding. What the hell was that all about? He thought for sure Thor was going to kiss him. Unconsciously, his hand moves to the place on his neck where Thor touched him. He collapses back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling wide-eyed, overcome with a wave of unexpected disappointment. He struggles to push Thor out of his thoughts as he closes his eyes and drifts back to sleep.  
  
–:)|(:–  
  
Loki is on edge all the next day. He can't look at Thor without replaying the events of the previous night, imagining the heat of Thor's hand upon his neck or Thor's arms wrapped around him. For his part, Thor asks how Loki slept and seems genuinely concerned about his nightmare, but also hesitant to question Loki further about it. Other than that, Thor seems to think nothing of the rest of the incident which ends up annoying Loki to no end.  
  
So in the evening, Loki suggests to Thor that they watch a movie on TV together. Of course, Loki has no interest in the movie itself. He knows full well it's a thinly veiled excuse to set up the same opportunity again. So he sits through the movie in a daze, finding it hard to concentrate with Thor sitting so close that he can almost feel the warmth radiating off his body. When the movie finally ends, Thor turns off the TV, mumbling something about how he didn't understand anything that happened.  
  
In that moment, Loki dares to reach out and clasp Thor's hand resting on the sofa between them. Leaning slightly forward, he waits a beat, hoping that Thor will take the hint. But Thor simply stares blankly at him, as if expecting him to say something. So Loki gathers his courage and leans in, gently grabbing hold of the side of Thor's head as he kisses him. He presses eagerly into the warmth of Thor's mouth, perhaps showing more enthusiasm than he would have wanted, but no matter. If Thor insists on being so astonishingly dense, then there's no need to leave room for ambiguity. He pulls away slowly, hesitantly searching Thor's face for a reaction.  
  
Thor sits for several moments, thunderstruck, gazing at Loki as if he can't believe what just happened. When he finally recovers his wits, he turns away and awkwardly clears his throat. “I'll get us some more tea.” With less delicacy than they require, he quickly grabs their mugs from the table and scurries off towards the kitchen.  
  
Loki frowns. Needless to say, this isn't the reaction he was hoping for. True, it could have been worse. Thor didn't push him away or yell at him. Maybe Thor was just embarrassed? Maybe he's never considered kissing a guy before? But the more Loki thinks about it, the more confused he becomes. It's very clear Thor likes him. More than likes him. He's far too affectionate for any normal friend. Has Loki misread the situation?  
  
Loki looks in vain towards the kitchen in search of Thor. When it becomes clear that Thor isn't returning any time soon, he kicks the coffee table indignantly before storming off to the bedroom, making sure to slam the door shut behind him.  
  
–:)|(:–  
  
Thor waits until he thinks Loki is asleep to open the hall closet. He finds Loki's dagger exactly where he left it, carefully wrapped in a pillow case and hidden in the back. Unwrapping it slowly, he feels the weight of the weapon in his hands. He sinks to the floor and sits against the wall, gripping the dagger tightly.  
  
“Loki,” he whispers imploringly, his voice trembling with the storm in his heart, “Who is this person you've left with me? Is this really you? Is this really what you desire?”  
  
Desperately, he presses the dagger's handle to his forehead, willing it to answer. But all he feels is a distant tremor, the quiet promise of a beating heart somewhere in the cold metal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is bit of an experiment for me writing-wise, but who's to argue with inspiration at 4am? Only very vaguely inspired by the plot device in the Doctor Who episode "Human Nature."


	2. Chapter 2

That night, the thunderstorms roll in.

Surrounded by the incessant clamor of raindrops and distant thunder, Thor lies awake on the sofa. He spends the whole night trying to convince himself that this is just a big misunderstanding. That Loki has simply interpreted Thor's brotherly affection as something else entirely. That Thor has just been careless by falling into the old patterns of interaction that he had enjoyed with Loki in their youth.

But harder to explain away are Thor's own feelings towards Loki, which have quickly spiraled out of control since the kiss. He finds his mind so muddled that he can hardly sort out the tangle of conflicting thoughts. He has always loved Loki as a brother, nothing more. So why in the world, now that the initial shock has worn off, is the first thing he feels immense relief? As if a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders? As if he's been waiting centuries for the exquisite clarity that kiss? An irrefutable physical expression of love from Loki? Is that not what he has sought for so long? To know once and for all that Loki loves him?

But to love him in _this_ way? Not as a brother, but as a lover? It would be so simple if Thor could just tell himself the kiss felt wrong. But if he must be honest, then he has to say that it felt perfectly natural. Obvious even. So obvious that he seriously doubts that Loki has misunderstood anything at all. Perhaps Loki is, in reality, seeing everything much clearer now. Suddenly, it feels as if parts of Thor's heart that have long been cased in shadow have come to light.

His chest tightens as he glances at the door to the bedroom where Loki is sleeping. He finds himself wanting to go inside and be near Loki, to hold him in his arms, to feel the warmth of his body... Thor closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. By the gods, how could he have been so blind to these feelings?

Well, what to do now? Thor has all night to try to figure it out, yet his mind keeps running in circles. Thor desperately doesn't want to hurt Loki. But without knowing how Loki truly feels, any action seems impossible. So instead, he tries to put it out of his mind and sleep, yet his fretful thoughts refuse to cease, keeping him awake throughout the stormy night.

–:)|(:–

By the time morning comes, Thor still can't decide what to say to Loki. He considers trying to avoid him instead, but somehow can't bring himself to do something so childish. So he sluggishly gets up and makes breakfast for himself, vaguely hoping that Loki will forget the whole thing ever happened or at least act like he has.

But Loki being Loki, he would never let Thor get out of such an awkward situation so easily. When Loki emerges from the bedroom, he walks straight over to Thor where he sits at the table eating. Ever optimistic, Thor doesn't acknowledge him, still hoping that he will continue on to the kitchen without trying to talk to him.

“So,” Loki says carefully, “About what happened last night...”

Thor remains silent, staring at his food, not daring to look at Loki.

“I just...” Loki starts with some effort, “Um... wasn't sure if you liked it or not...”

Thor closes his eyes. It's painful to hear such an unabashed plea for approval from Loki. Surely, if Loki had his real memories, he would never be caught dead uttering a statement like that.

Thor desperately wants to explain everything to him, to make Loki understand his hesitation. He wants to tell him about the false memories, their history as brothers... everything. But what would happen if he did? Most likely, Loki simply wouldn't believe him. Worse yet, what if that would somehow break the spell? What if it would put Loki in danger?

Loki clenches his fists in frustration. “Look, if you didn't like it, that's fine. Just fucking tell me and quit the mixed signals crap!”

Thor still can't say anything. He just can't. So he even surprises himself when, as Loki starts to turn away in irritation, he jumps up to grab Loki's arm and keep him from leaving.

Loki glares back at him with venom in his eyes. “What?” he hisses.

Thor grimaces at how painfully self-conscious he feels touching Loki right now, as if even this innocent gesture is now tainted.

This whole thing is getting way out of hand. Thor fears what will happen if he lets things continue as they are. He must deny his feelings, for his sake as much as for Loki's. “I... didn't...” the words stick in Thor's throat as he glances around uselessly, looking anywhere but at Loki. “I didn't like it,” he finally manages to say, reluctantly forcing himself to look Loki in the eye.

“God, this is embarrassing,” Loki mutters, looking disgusted, “Why do you even bother trying to lie?”

Thor shoots him a miserable look that's half desperation and half annoyance. Of course Loki would mock him at a time like this. How had he expected anything different?

Loki pauses for a moment, his gaze piercing as he practically challenges Thor to change his story. But Thor's anger is already bubbling up from Loki's comment, and he refuses to say anything else.

“Fine,” Loki says at last, his voice cold and tense. He scowls as he tears his arm away from Thor, “Let me know when you grow some balls.”

–:)|(:–

Loki hides away in his room for the rest of the morning, and Thor is glad to avoid further confrontation for a while. He's physically and emotionally exhausted and collapses on the sofa trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to catch up on his lost sleep.

It's almost afternoon by the time Loki emerges from the bedroom, walking over to sit calmly in the armchair next to him. He casually tosses his notebook on the coffee table and gives Thor a pleasant smile, “I'm going to get some groceries. Do you want anything?”

Thor sits up quickly, his brow furrowing in confusion at Loki's complete reversal in mood, “You're not mad anymore?”

“Of course not,” Loki says, standing and stretching, “Why would I be?” The corners of his mouth slowly curve into a playful smirk.

Thor starts to panic. Dear gods, no. He knows that smirk. Nothing good comes from that smirk.

Loki turns and sweeps away out the front door, humming happily to himself.

Thor is left alone and speechless, terrified to think of what Loki is up to now. His eyes are suddenly drawn to the notebook that Loki has conspicuously left right in front of him. It looks brand new, never been used. With a distinct sense of dread, he picks up the notebook and opens it, his eyes glancing over the handwritten words on the page.

_My breath is warm and moist on your skin as I press my lips to your neck-_

Thor's breath hitches. Wait... is this what Loki wants to do to him? With morbid curiosity, he continues reading the excruciatingly detailed account of a make-out session up to the part where Loki describes unzipping Thor's pants before he quickly slams the notebook shut and throws it out of sight. Growling in frustration, he curses the fact that he's already hard, his erection straining against the front of his jeans. Why does Loki have to torture him like this? He was trying to put a stop to this for Loki's own good!

With an angry grunt, he pounds his fist on the coffee table and springs to his feet. He paces the apartment anxiously for several minutes trying in vain to get the images of what he just read out of his head. But his lust-addled imagination simply takes over, and suddenly he's tempted to pick up the notebook again and just keep reading. Ignoring the urge, he shakes his head vehemently and finally sinks, defeated, into one of the dining room chairs, holding his head in his hands as he leans over the table.

He hears the front door open and watches Loki stroll into the kitchen carrying two bags of groceries. Loki does an excellent job of pretending that Thor doesn't exist as he moves about the kitchen, putting away the food he bought and then preparing a sandwich for himself. Thor can't help letting his eyes rake over Loki's body, catching every movement of it beneath his clothes. He starts to feel like a voyeur, like he shouldn't be here watching Loki like this, but he can't help quietly drinking it all in. The way Loki's hips tilt as he stands at the counter, the way he runs his fingers through his hair before opening the refrigerator, the way he turns slightly towards Thor as he licks the excess mustard off his fingers.

He feels reason slipping away with every torturous movement Loki makes. His nerves are already frayed from lack of sleep, and the lingering pulse of arousal still courses through his veins. Words aren't going to fix this now, all that's left is action.

Loki's about to cut the finished sandwich when Thor gives a quiet command, “Wait.”

Loki pauses, his eyes flashing up to glance at Thor before slowly putting down the knife. Thor strides over to him with heavy steps. Loki calmly turns around to face Thor, spreading his arms behind him and leaning back against the counter.

And Loki is smiling. Damn him. But it's not the smug smile of satisfaction that Thor expects. It's a genuine smile. Bright and innocent. Thor's heart skips a beat. He'd forgotten the pleasure of seeing Loki happy.

It would be so easy for Thor to fall apart then, to break upon Loki like a wave crashing to shore. He feels as if all he's ever wanted is standing right in front of him, ready for the taking. But Thor's last sliver of reason forces him to resist a moment longer. Instead, he reaches out to touch Loki's cheek, his fingertips ghosting feather-light across his skin. It's almost as if he's afraid Loki will shatter beneath his fingers if he touches him with the burning intentions that now possess him. He makes a final plea, his voice low and quiet, “Promise me you won't regret this.”

Loki is breathless as he replies, “Yes.”

Thor's hand moves to the nape of Loki's neck. His voice trembles with conflicting emotions as he whispers, “You don't know what you're saying-” Thor only adds the word “brother” in his mind.

Loki stands perfectly still as his playful smirk returns. “Yes, I do,” he purrs quietly, “I'm saying that if you don't just fucking kiss me already I'm going to tear this place apart and burn it to the ground.” Thor knows from the glint in Loki's eye that the threat is probably more real than even Loki himself realizes.

Thor takes a shuddering breath. The few moments that he hesitates feel like an eternity teetering on the edge of this point of no return. Surely these are Loki's true feelings. Surely Loki's spell wouldn't force him to do anything against his nature. He clings desperately to that hope, because he can't resist any longer.

Slowly, tentatively, Thor leans forward to press his lips gently against Loki's. Loki's body remains stiff and still, barely reacting to the kiss. All Thor can feel are Loki's lips parting, ever so slightly, his warm breath escaping in quick, almost desperate, puffs along Thor's cheek.

Frowning slightly, Thor pulls away after a moment, unsure of how to interpret Loki's stiff refusal to reciprocate the kiss.

Loki looks sternly at Thor, “You call that a kiss? I'm fairly certain you can do better than that.”

“You should learn to still your tongue,” Thor growls gently.

Loki cannot hold back the wild grin that spreads across his face as Thor swoops forward again claiming his mouth fiercely, completely devoid of timidity this time. Loki's body relaxes as he leans into the kiss and his hands slowly rise to grasp Thor's shoulders. Thor's fingers tighten on Loki's neck as he steps closer, closing the distance between them. Feeling Loki's body pressed against his, breathing in his scent, Thor's lust takes over.

He presses into Loki's mouth, tightly gripping one of Loki's wrists and roughly pinning it with a swift motion to the cabinet above his head. Thor hears a pained sound from Loki and pauses as he realizes that Loki is trembling. Thor immediately releases his grip and pulls away slightly to look into Loki's uncertain eyes. Thor tries to rein in his raging desire as he gently runs a reassuring hand over Loki's head. “I'm sorry,” he says softly before placing a gentle kiss on Loki's lips. Loki makes a pleased sound and wraps his arms around Thor's neck encouragingly.

Careful not to use his full strength, Thor wraps his arm around Loki's waist drawing him close to deepen the kiss as he runs his other hand through his dark locks. When Loki gathers the courage to flick his tongue out to taste the edge of Thor's lips, Thor returns the favor tenfold, slipping his tongue along Loki's and delving into the warm heat of Loki's mouth. Loki moans needily against Thor's lips, his breath coming in quick spurts as he tightly grips Thor's shoulders.

Thor growls softly as he turns his head to attack Loki's pale neck with his lips, and Loki's head falls back, his eyes closing as he moans openly. Completely lost in lust, he clings to the back of Thor's shirt as he starts to grind his hips against Thor. Smiling slightly, Thor raises his head to softly whisper in Loki's ear, “Eager, aren't you?”

Loki presses his burning face into Thor's shoulder and grumbles something vaguely resembling “shut up.” Thor chuckles and gently licks along the shell of Loki's ear, earning a small whine from Loki.

Thor's hand drops between them to feel the front of Loki's jeans, and Loki presses shamelessly against his hand through the thick material. “Please,” Loki breathes, gripping the back of Thor's shirt even harder. Thor takes mercy on him, gently kissing Loki's neck again as he unzips Loki's jeans and slips his hand inside.

Loki tries to smother a cry in Thor's shoulder as Thor takes hold of his painfully hard member. Loki trembles and pants desperately. It only takes two strokes from Thor's hand before he comes, surprising both himself and Thor.

He looks up at Thor, blushing madly, “Shit... Oh, shit, I'm sorry.” He quickly reaches over to grab some paper towels and wipe off Thor's hand. “I don't know why... it feels like I've been waiting forever for this.”

Thor can't help laughing at him. Never in a million years did he imagine he would see someone as proud as Loki in such a state.

“Don't laugh,” Loki mutters, trying to hide his face in Thor's shoulder again, “It's embarrassing.”

Thor balls up the paper towels and tosses them away, then he takes hold of Loki's chin and gently forces him to raise his head and look at him again. “It's okay,” Thor says softly, “I'll give you another one.”

Without warning, Thor picks up Loki, hoisting him up by his thighs, and Loki is forced to cling to his shoulders in earnest again to keep from falling. “Put me down, you stupid oaf!” Loki shouts as Thor carries him into the living room.

Thor is smiling like a madman as he sits down with a heavy thud upon the sofa still holding Loki astride him in his lap. Loki suddenly looks almost shy as Thor gazes at him affectionately and tucks a stray lock of Loki's hair away behind his ear.

Loki's hands fumble with the hem of Thor's T-shirt, and Thor leans forward slightly to help Loki remove it. Once Thor's chest is bare, Loki trails his fingers over the sculpted muscles reverently, his eyes wide in wonder.

“You act as if you've never seen my chest before,” Thor teases.

“I haven't,” Loki states, his brow furrowing in annoyance, “Should I be worried that you can't seem to keep track of that?”

Thor freezes for a moment. Damn it, he'd let his guard down. Recovering quickly, he gives a small smile and shakes his head, then manages to distract Loki again by kissing him as he unbuttons his shirt and slips it off his shoulders.

“You're so beautiful,” Thor whispers as he leans back to let his eyes wander over Loki's flawless ivory skin.

Loki gives a sour look as his eyes flash to Thor's chest, clearly comparing their physiques.

“Do you doubt my words?” Thor says quietly.

Loki looks into Thor's eyes, but says nothing.

“Then let me show you.”

Thor runs his hands over every inch of Loki's chest, tracing the gentle curves of his muscles with his fingertips. Loki closes his eyes to enjoy the sensation, letting out a gasp when Thor's lips and tongue join the exploration. Loki is hard again by the time Thor is done, and when Thor's hands move to touch him again, Loki's eyes flash open as he moves to stop him.

“Wait. I want to feel you too,” Loki says breathlessly.

Loki's fingers fall to the large bulge in Thor's jeans, but then he seems to have second thoughts, looking almost fearful. When Loki continues to hesitate, Thor undoes his jeans himself and gently guides Loki's hand inside to feel his stiff member through his underwear. Thor's head rolls back as he moans at the touch, and Loki seems to find his courage again, slipping his hand under the band of Thor's underwear to feel the heated flesh underneath.

Thor feels dazed as he looks up to drink in Loki's face while they fervently stroke each other. Loki's eyes are closed, his pale cheeks flushed as he thrusts with abandon into Thor's hand. Loki's so lost in pleasure that he's barely able to keep up a steady rhythm stroking Thor's length, but Thor doesn't mind. The mere sight of Loki moving above him, transformed into a strange and beautiful breathless wanton creature, is enough to drive Thor's passion almost to the breaking point.

Loki pants wildly, his movements growing more frantic as he approaches his climax. Thor reaches up with his free hand to pull Loki into a searing kiss, swallowing the cry that Loki unleashes as he comes, trembling in Thor's hands. In that moment, Loki's grip tightens on Thor's member, and Thor tenses and finds his release as well, painting Loki's thin fingers with his seed.

Loki pulls away from the kiss to gulp down huge mouthfuls of air before finally opening his eyes to look at Thor. Thor's eyes are shining, overflowing with happiness as he lovingly caresses Loki's cheek. Loki suddenly seems shy again, and glances around to look for tissues or something to wipe off their hands. Thor grabs his abandoned T-shirt and starts using that to clean up, ignoring Loki's cry of protest.

Exhaustion hits Thor suddenly, and his head rolls back as his eyes flutter shut. Loki starts to get up from his lap, but Thor gives a displeased grunt and quickly traps Loki in his arms.

“No, stay,” he whispers hoarsely. It comes out like some kind of desperate plea.

Loki seems surprised by the urgency in Thor's voice, but finally gives in and relaxes into his arms. Still holding Loki tightly, Thor tips them over sideways to lie down on the sofa together. It's a tight fit, but if they lie on their sides and stay close they can manage.

Thor lies with his eyes closed, holding Loki tight as sleep calls to him. With his bare chest pressed against Loki's, he feels as if he could melt into the gentle warmth of Loki's skin. Lured by the comforting rhythm of Loki's breath against his neck, Thor soon slips into a peaceful sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Daylight is fading by the time Thor wakes up. He finds his arms empty and a folded piece of paper lying on his chest. His heart suddenly races in terror. Has Loki run away after what they did? Is this a goodbye note? He almost tears the paper in his clumsy rush to unfold the note and tries to focus long enough to read the delicate handwriting.

_The evening sun shines_   
_on your sleeping face like gold_   
_it seems like a dream_   
_but I have never had such_   
_a beautiful dream before_

Struggling through the dredges of sleep, Thor's brain works slowly to process the cryptic message. Did Loki... write him a poem? The idea almost seems laughable. But then again, he does think himself a writer. Thor gazes at the paper in wonder, letting the idea sink in.

Loki... the god of mischief... the one who had fought him with deadly intent on so many occasions... the one who had wanted Earth to cower before him... has written Thor a poem.

Normally, Thor would find such displays of affection quite boring and pointless. He had received them often enough on Asgard to be utterly sick of them. Yet, here he is, rereading the carefully written words and unable to keep a huge grin from spreading across his face. He would never have thought that such a thing would bring him so much joy.

If he still felt any guilt at all about choosing to return Loki's affections under the current conditions, it vanishes completely in that instant.

–:)|(:–

Sitting in bed reading, Loki cringes as he hears Thor's laughter from the living room. He sighs, immediately regretting having written the poem.

Thor bursts into the bedroom a few moments later, beaming and waving the folded paper, “Did you write this for me?”

Loki scowls as he rises from the bed, “I knew it was a mistake to write that stupid thing. Here, give it back to me.”

Loki quickly reaches up to take the note, but Thor keeps it out of his grasp. He immediately tries again, this time jumping up to grab Thor's arm in an attempt to force him to lower it, and manages to take hold of the corner of the paper.

“No!” The raw panic in Thor's voice makes Loki freeze, releasing the paper.

There it is. That same desperation Loki heard in Thor's voice earlier when he had asked him to stay in his arms. It's the plea of someone who has lost something important and fears losing it again. Loki feels a twinge of unease as he backs away from Thor, still frowning.

Thor looks slightly embarrassed by his outburst and clears his throat as he presses the note to his chest protectively, “I want to keep it.” He smiles softly as he leans over to place a gentle kiss on Loki's lips, “Thank you.”

Loki is frustrated to find himself blushing hotly as Thor's hand reaches up to comb through the his hair as he kisses him again, this time lingering with a growing intensity. Loki feels Thor's intentions plain as day and carefully wiggles out of Thor's grasp.

“I want to do some research,” Loki says quickly, picking up one of the notebooks that lay scattered on the bed, “Come to the library with me.”

Loki's not entirely sure why he's doing what he's doing. He just knows that some part of him can't accept Thor's overwhelming affection right now. He needs to escape. So he grabs hold of Thor's arm and makes for the front door, dragging Thor behind him in a somewhat bewildered state.

–:)|(:–

Thor wonders momentarily if it's safe for them to go to such a crowded place, but he figures they will be inconspicuous enough in their Midgardian clothes. In fact, in all the time he has lived on Earth he's only been recognized once or twice without his Asgardian armor. For some reason, the mortals always remember the cape and hammer and never his face.

He's never been to the public library before. Luckily, Loki seems to have a clear idea of how to get around the city, and even seems to know exactly where to go once they get inside the building. Thor follows behind him quietly as Loki heads straight for a row of computers and takes a seat in front of one of the monitors.

Thor paces around awkwardly for a moment, not knowing what to do with himself before Loki points to the chair opposite him, hissing, “Stop hovering around like an idiot.”

Thor plops down in the indicated chair, “How long will this take?”

“Consider it an opportunity for you to practice a much-needed quality called patience.”

Thor frowns and shuffles restlessly in the chair. He watches Loki open the notebook he brought with him and flip through a few pages before putting it aside and focusing on the screen, intently clicking around with the mouse. After a few minutes, Thor's mind starts to drift to all the other things he'd rather be doing with Loki at this moment.

“Hey,” Loki asks, looking up at Thor and interrupting his thoughts, “Do you remember the Battle of New York?”

“Of course, that was – ” Thor suddenly catches himself, “Wait, why are you asking that?” He jumps up and rushes over to see what Loki is looking at on his screen. It's an old news article about Loki's failed invasion of Earth. Most of the truth behind the invasion was kept secret from the public, so the article is fairly general with a few eye witness accounts and a large photo of a wounded Chitauri soldier crouching in front of a pile of rubble.

Panic courses through Thor's veins as he stares at the screen. Why is Loki looking at this? What if he sees a picture of Thor? Or himself? Surely, even Loki's newfound indifference wouldn't survive a shock like that. He tries to keep his voice calm as he speaks, “You really shouldn't worry about this kind of stuff.”

“It's so weird,” Loki says slowly, pointing to the picture of the Chitauri soldier, “I know these things... I had a dream about them, but I didn't know they actually existed. I don't even remember this whole invasion at all.” He looks up a Thor in concern, “How can I dream about something I've never seen before?”

Thor gulps as his mind races for an adequate response, but he's drawing a complete blank.

An announcement over the library's PA system breaks the awkward pause, “The library is now closing. Please bring any materials you wish to borrow to the check-out counter.”

Thor sighs in relief as Loki's attention is immediately diverted, quickly closing the article on the screen and gathering his notebook. Loki seems to have completely forgotten about his question as he smiles up at Thor, “Wanna get some dinner?”

Thor eagerly follows Loki out of the library, making a mental note to keep Loki away from computers in the future.

–:)|(:–

Thor can't help smiling as Loki descends into a fit of mad laughter and drops his head onto Thor's shoulder while they sit next to each other in the small restaurant booth. Thor doesn't think what he said was so funny, but well into his fourth – or is it fifth? – glass of wine, Loki seems to have found it hilarious.

Loki hadn't so much as touched alcohol since he started living here, despite Thor offering him beer on several occasions. Now Loki has, for some reason, decided to indulge in it. Thor has had several beers himself, but seems to be handling it a lot better than Loki who's now grinning as he picks at the remnants of his dinner with a fork.

Thor leans back admiring Loki warmly, treasuring the moment. It almost feels like home, eating and drinking and laughing with Loki again.

Loki notices Thor's gaze, and his smile fades a bit as he asks, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Thor keeps his eyes on Loki, “You're so beautiful when you smile.”

Loki stares at his plate. He taps his fork absentmindedly as he suddenly seems to grow pensive, “Why did you say you didn't want to kiss me?”

Thor is caught off-guard by the question. He shifts a bit in his seat before answering. “I guess... I just never thought of you like that.”

A melancholy suddenly seems to descend on Loki. “I got the feeling it was because there was someone else.”

Thor's eyes widen in surprise. Well, he's not really wrong. That is essentially what was going on. So, there _are_ some things Loki can still be perceptive about, after all. But how can Thor tell him that the person he's jealous of is himself?

Thor smiles reassuringly as he grabs hold of Loki's shoulder and squeezes gently, drawing Loki's eyes to him. “Do not worry. You are the only person on my mind right now.”

It's certainly not a lie, but Loki still doesn't look completely convinced as his eyes search Thor's for a long moment. When Loki finally looks away, he sinks heavily into the booth and sighs.

Thor can't help leaning over to try to steal a kiss, but Loki pushes him away briskly. “Not in public, you idiot!”

Thor laughs, “Oh, who cares what the mortals think...”

Loki quirks an eyebrow at him, “Sometimes you talk like an alien or something. You know that, right?”

Thor merely smiles and turns to take a sip of his beer in response.

“Oh!” Loki exclaims, dropping his fork as he turns enthusiastically to face Thor, “Do you remember the cross-dressing incident?”

“Cross-dressing?” Thor asks, highly amused.

“Yeah,” Loki smiles widely, suppressing a giggle, “You know... the time I convinced you to dress up in a wedding dress for some reason...”

Thor nearly chokes on his beer mid-sip. What in all the―? Had Loki seriously somehow left that memory intact?

“I forget why we did that exactly...” Loki muses as he toys with the stem of his wine glass, “I just remember that it was fucking hilarious.”

Thor frowns and grabs the glass out of Loki's hand when he moves to take another sip. “I think you've had enough for today,” Thor grumbles in annoyance.

“Aww, man,” Loki sighs in disappointment as Thor picks up the bill holder.

Loki makes a wild grab to take it away, but Thor manages to fight him off, bumping into the table violently and nearly spilling their drinks in the process.

“Settle down, will you?” Thor pleads as he proceeds to pay, “Stop acting like a child.”

“Stop acting like a big brother,” Loki huffs and crosses his arms indignantly.

Thor is unprepared for the icy grip that suddenly clenches his heart and the bitter wave of sadness that follows.

“What?” Loki hisses in annoyance when he sees Thor pause.

“Nothing,” Thor sighs, gathering his coat to leave the restaurant.

–:)|(:–

It's not very late when they get back to the apartment, but Loki already seems drained of energy as he collapses on the sofa, hiding his eyes under his forearm.

“Maybe you should go to bed?” Thor suggests as he looks down at Loki sprawled across the sofa.

“Dammit, I don't want to go to sleep,” Loki says, yawning loudly.

Thor chuckles, “Why not?”

Loki frowns, still hiding his eyes under his arm. His voice is barely a whisper when he speaks, “That's when the monsters come for me.”

Thor's brow furrows in concern. Did he really hear Loki correctly? He leans over and gently pries Loki's arm off of his face to get a look at his eyes. “Are you well? Is something wrong?”

Loki sighs and sits up to rub his forehead, “I'm just joking. Don't worry about it.”

Thor sits down beside Loki, placing a comforting hand on his knee.

Before Thor has a chance to speak, Loki looks up, suddenly smiling, “I know. You should keep me awake.”

“Keep you awake? How?”

Loki places his hand gently on top of Thor's and eyes him with tempting tilt of his head, “Oh, I can think of a few things you could do.”

Thor's brain screams a warning even as his body reacts instantly to the wicked gleam in those emerald eyes. “Oh, no,” Thor mutters, pulling his hand away, “I will not indulge you while you're in such a state.” There's no way he's going to take advantage of a drunk _and_ memory-impaired Loki.

“What state?” Loki asks flatly, “You think me drunk?” He rolls his eyes as he mutters to himself, “That's never stopped you before.”

Thor frowns. It's true, of course, but he wonders how Loki knows that exactly. Thor's expression grows severe as he clenches his fists. “Do you really think that I care so little for you? To equate you with such company as that? You are an entirely different matter and I refuse to let you allow yourself to be treated otherwise.”

Loki is taken aback by Thor's sudden intensity. He leans away from Thor, confusion in his eyes as he attempts to work out exactly what is going on in Thor's head. It's a look that Thor is not familiar with. Normally, Loki seems to naturally know what Thor is thinking, whether Thor wants him to or not. Luckily, this Loki does not seem to have that power, and Thor relaxes as he realizes Loki will accept defeat.

“I promise I will make it up to you tomorrow,” Thor says softly as he leans over and kisses Loki's forehead, “Goodnight, beautiful one.”

Loki lets out a frustrated breath as he stares at Thor. “It is you who deserves that title, not me.”

Thor silences any further complaints with a quick kiss to Loki's lips. “Goodnight,” Thor states firmly.

Loki stands up and takes a few steps towards the bedroom before looking back at Thor over his shoulder, a smile spreading across his face, “Then you will owe me _a lot_ tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this is the fluff before the angst-storm chapter. :) My apologies to poetry enthusiasts for Loki's poem. I imagine Loki would be awesome at poetry (in the unlikely event he actually wanted to write some), but a mere mortal like me can really only get away with writing haiku and tanka, so that'll have to do.


	4. Chapter 4

When Loki hasn't gotten up by noon, Thor becomes worried. He knocks several times at the bedroom door, but hears no answer. He's certain Loki hasn't drunk enough to justify a hangover today. He's seen how much drink is required for that before and dearly hopes he never will again. But something about the way Loki was acting last night makes Thor suddenly anxious. He carefully turns the handle and peeks inside.

Loki is sprawled across the bed, still in his clothes from yesterday, fast asleep. The curtains are drawn against the harsh morning light, but a blinding ray of sunlight pierces through an opening and lands across a pile of notebooks scattered over the floor, nearly ten of them, all lying open and in disarray. Thor wonders when Loki had filled all these. Had he been up all night writing?

A drawing on one of the pages catches Thor's eye, and he picks up the notebook to take a closer look. The strokes of the sketch are rough and frantic, the pencil lead laid down thick and heavy, but Thor can recognize the object immediately. It's Loki's scepter from his attack on New York.

Thor grimaces as his eyes run over the page. A dense wall of text surrounds the drawing, scribbled messily with notes added in the margins. With an uneasy breath, Thor skims over the page, reading fragments as he tries to make out the words.

_...a six-fingered hand, pale as death, reaches out to grab my head as the scepter is raised to my throat like a scythe. I've fought it long enough, but I'm so exhausted now. No sleep, no food, no water. I think I was waiting for someone to come for me. There was a face I was holding on to, the last face I saw before the dark, but I can't make it out anymore. It's faded to nothingness. The last of my will seeps out of me along with the last of my memories. My mind now a blank slate for them to rewrite as they wish... I believe them when they tell me I was dropped. I know it's not true, but somehow I want to believe it... I'm relieved when they give me the mission. I have a purpose now. I matter. All I see is my goal. A blue cube, glowing softly with the light of a thousand galaxies..._

Feverishly, Thor leafs through the rest of the notebook, catching glimpses of other sketches spread out among the text that goes on and on without pause. Some of the drawings he recognizes, others he doesn't. Alien faces with twisted contorted bodies. Dark demonic weapons and strange magical runes. And – Thor nearly drops the notebook in shock – a beautiful woman's face that he has not seen in a long time, but even through the rushed pencil lines, is unmistakably Frigga, their mother. And underneath it, in large letters that have been violently traced and retraced over again, underlined endlessly, the words: _No angel to save me,_ _no hero to rescue me_ _._

Thor's emotions flood forth all at once as he stumbles back against the wall. His knee knocks against the bedside table making the thin lamp that sits atop it teeter precariously a few times before falling to the floor with a loud clatter and the crash of the bulb breaking.

Loki jolts awake at the sound, sitting up and staring at Thor in shock. “Hey! What the hell?!”

It takes a moment for Thor to respond, his eyes slowly rising from the notebook to Loki's face. But he's not really seeing Loki, he's still lost in the torrent of thoughts crashing through his head. He doesn't know where to start. He can't take it in.

“Have you been reading my stuff?” Loki asks, visibly flustered, “That's private!”

Loki's voice draws Thor back to reality. He focuses on his brother's face and tries to say something before realizing his mouth has gone dry. He is struck with the crushing weight of the realization that he really has no idea what happened to his brother after he fell into the void. Thor had never asked, and Loki had never talked about it.

Thor swallows and looks down at the notebook again. “This,” he says in a restrained tone, his quiet voice masking the storm underneath, “Please tell me you made this all up. Please tell me none of this is true.”

Loki stares at Thor in disbelief. “Are you really that much of an idiot? Of course, it's not true. There's nothing remotely realistic in there. It's just a journal for all of my crazy dreams.” He stomps over and grabs the notebook out of Thor's hand, “Which you shouldn't be reading without my permission.”

“Of course,” Thor says weakly, letting his eyes fall to the floor, “I'm sorry.”

He'd forgotten himself again. How could he be so stupid? Of course, Loki is in no condition to give him answers right now. He tries to remind himself that there's no reason to think anything he'd just read was true. It might all be Loki's imagination. Maybe they really are just dreams. It's a faint, but necessary, spark of hope. It's all he can afford to acknowledge right now, and he lets a veil of denial fall over the rest of his fears, at least for the moment.

He suddenly realizes Loki is looking at him curiously, as if he's a riddle that Loki feels like he's on the verge of figuring out. But the scrutiny passes in an instant, and Loki's expression brightens. He gives Thor a carefree smile, “I'm starving. Shall I make us something to eat?”

Thor nods slowly, his stomach inexplicably twisting with something that feels like guilt.

–:)|(:–

The doorbell rings as Loki is in the kitchen finishing the meatballs for their spaghetti.

“I'll get it,” Loki yells over his shoulder as he walks over to open the front door.

“Wait!” Thor exclaims as he comes rushing in from the bathroom, just in time to see Loki, spatula still in hand, smiling at a dumbstruck Tony Stark across the threshold.

“Can I help you?” Loki says pleasantly.

In shock, Tony blinks a few times at Loki before his eyes travel to Thor then finally to the dining table set for two, and his brow furrows, “What – the – fuck?”

With quick strides, Thor crosses the room and wedges himself between them to face Tony. “What are you doing here?” he asks calmly. Tony is amazed that Thor still maintains an air of authority even under these circumstances.

“What am _I_ doing here?” Tony echos, stepping into the room, “What the hell is _he_ doing here?!” He indicates Loki with a jab of his thumb. “When I lent you this room I didn't expect you to use it for tea parties with supervillians!”

Thor frowns in the sudden realization that this could get out of control quickly, “I must speak with you privately.”

Tony rolls his eyes, “By all means...”

Thor turns to Loki, his voice stern, “Give us a moment.”

Loki looks puzzled, but nods. He watches from a distance as Thor takes Tony firmly by the shoulder and steers him into the far corner of the room.

“Weren't you supposed to be in fairyland or something?” Tony mutters as he keeps a watchful eye on Loki over Thor's shoulder.

“Don't let him hear you,” Thor says in a quiet voice.

“You better have one hell of an explanation for this,” Tony says, crossing his arms and lowering his voice to match Thor's.

Thor casts a glance over his shoulder to make sure Loki is out of earshot. “He's no threat right now,” he whispers, “He's lost his memory, and he doesn't remember who he is.”

“You can't be serious,” Tony says, eying Loki suspiciously. “Hang on... is he _living_ here?”

Thor grabs Tony by the shoulders and looks him straight in the eye, “I swear to you I will handle this. But, I would ask you to tell no one he's here. If you do so, you'll be condemning an innocent man.”

Tony scoffs in disbelief.

“I make this request of you as a friend. Please, Tony... he's my brother.”

Tony's eyes widen as he looks at Thor. The Asgardian has never called him by his first name before, and they both know it. His resolve wavers as he sees Thor's confidence break apart momentarily to reveal a hint of desperation. He's certainly never seen Thor desperate before.

“Jake,” Loki says quietly approaching the pair.

“Jake? Who the hell is Jake?” Tony mutters.

“He means me,” Thor says with a sigh.

Loki takes hold of Thor's bicep as he stands, half-hiding, behind him, “Jake, who is this? What's going on?”

Tony is a bit stunned. If this is an act, it's a damn good one.

Thor clears his throat and says, “This is Tony Stark... the, um, landlord...”

“Oh!” Loki answers, relaxing a bit and offering his hand for a handshake, “Nice to meet you.”

Tony shoots Thor a questioning glance and receives the slightest of nods in return before tentatively shaking the offered hand. “Don't believe I've had the pleasure before,” Tony says with a forced smile.

Thor keeps his eyes on Tony, “Go ahead and ask who he is.”

Still somewhat bewildered by the situation, Tony looks at Loki and clears his throat, “And you are?”

“Loren Olson,” Loki answers before turning to Thor, eyes wide in concern, “Am I in trouble?”

Thor looks into Loki's worried face, his demeanor instantly softening.

Tony's gaze shifts from one to the other, amazed to see them sharing what could possibly be called a tender moment. It's impossible to think that not too long ago these two were at each other's throats, literally trying to kill each other. Or at least, one of them was anyway.

“No,” Thor replies gently, “There's not going to be a problem.” He turns his attention to Tony, his expression suddenly severe, “Is there, Stark?” There's just enough of a threat in his voice to make Tony feel like he'd love to be wearing an Iron Man suit right about now.

Tony takes another quick glance at Loki before he finally turns to Thor, raising his hands in a placating gesture, “Okay, okay. Put a lid on the thunderstorm already.” With a sigh, he turns back to Loki, slipping his hands in his pockets, “Look, there's no problem. Sorry about the commotion. It's just that, um, roommates aren't in the renter's agreement.”

Loki brightens up, “Oh, I can assure you I will be no trouble at all.”

Tony stifles the urge to laugh out loud at the irony.

The smell of burning meat suddenly wafts in from the kitchen, and Loki starts. “Oh, shit! The meatballs!” he exclaims before running off in the direction of the kitchen.

Tony's jaw drops as he watches him go. “What the hell happened to him? No, wait, you know what? I don't want to know,” he turns to Thor, calmly pointing an accusatory finger at his chest, “You take full responsibility for this, Sparky. Got that? If I hear about so much as an old lady jaywalking – ” Thor gives him a questioning glance, and he quickly rephrases, “anything out of the ordinary, I'm reporting this at once. Are we clear?”

Thor nods slowly, his expression solemn.

“Now, I'm leaving for a very important business trip – ” Tony quickly checks his watch, “ – like, really soon, and I'll be back in a week. I _highly_ _recommend_ that he be gone by the time I'm back in town.” Tony gives Thor a meaningful look, and Thor nods again.

“I understand, my friend... and I thank you.”

“Okay, good,” Tony takes a deep breath and starts heading for the hall closet.

Thor follows anxiously after him, an edge of panic in his voice, “What are you doing?”

“Getting what I came for. The spare Iron Man suit that I keep here needs to be upgraded, and besides it probably shouldn't be here in present company anyhow,” Tony pauses with his hand on the door handle, “Is that a problem?”

Thor blanches a bit, “No, I... I didn't even know you had one here.”

Tony looks at Thor suspiciously, then opens the closet door halfway expecting the suit to be gone. But the case that contains the suit is still there, tucked in among the bed linens on the bottom shelf. Tony picks it up and does a quick check that the suit's still inside before shutting the closet door. He throws Thor an exasperated look as he heads for the front door.

Tony is halfway out the door when he pauses, leveling his eyes at Thor and saying quietly, “One week. I don't care what you do, but make sure he's out of here by then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the interruption... our regularly scheduled smut will return in the next chapter...


	5. Chapter 5

Thor's heart grows heavy with the sound of the closing door. He rests his hand upon the polished wood and lowers his head. He had almost forgotten the reality of this situation. This apartment, this small place where he can live in a world of make-believe, does not belong to him. He has other responsibilities. Another life in which Loki scarcely has a part anymore. Living peacefully with Loki like this is nothing more than a dream. One that is, as he has just been clearly reminded, only fleeting.

“Lunch is ready,” Loki calls out as he dishes out the spaghetti at the table.

Without a word, Thor sits down and proceeds to do nothing more than stare at his food, brooding.

He tries to be practical and sort out his options. Stark has given him a week of leeway, and time will soon be running out. He's going to need to move Loki somewhere else. Perhaps a new apartment or a hotel? But he doubts he could pull off finding somewhere discreetly enough. Thor always had trouble blending in. Loki probably could, even in his current condition, but then there's the question of money. Thor's funds on Earth come from Stark and it would be far too obvious to ask for the amount needed to find new lodgings. Weren't there any other mortals he could ask for help? Maybe Jane could– No, that was a bad idea under the current circumstances. A _very bad_ idea.

Thor sits lost in his thoughts as Loki eats in silence, watching him intently. Loki is almost done with his food when he finally asks, “Is something wrong? Don't worry, the meatballs turned out okay.”

Thor can't even bear to look at Loki as he runs his hands through his hair and takes a single pained breath. Did he really expect that things could stay like this? That he and Loki could somehow –

Loki's chair scrapes against the floor as he gets up and walks over to the other side of the table. He grabs hold of Thor's chair and manages to turn it a bit, creating enough space for him to get a leg across Thor and slip onto his lap.

“What are you doing?” Thor asks quietly, looking up at Loki in surprise.

“Cheering you up,” Loki smiles coyly as he runs his hands up along Thor's thick arms, over the bulk of his shoulders, fingers barely grazing the skin beyond the collar of his shirt before settling on Thor's chest. Clearly Thor's interests are not Loki's only motivation as he looks down at Thor expectantly, eyes gleaming as he licks his lips in anticipation.

Impulsively, Thor's hand shoots out to grab hold of Loki's head as he pulls him into a fierce kiss. If this is all to vanish, then he will have it now. While he can.

Thor drinks down the kiss greedily, as if it is their last. Which, he realizes now, it might very well be. Loki allows the neediness, indeed revels in it, his hands rising up from Thor's chest to cup the sides of his face, tightening against his jaw as he deepens the kiss. Thor's heart hammers in his chest as he clamps his arms tightly around Loki as if to lock him in place and keep him there forever.

He has lost Loki so many times. Each time more painful than the last for the cruel reminder of how little Loki cares about him. For years now, chasing after Loki has felt like grasping at smoke. Yet here he is now, within his reach, vibrant and alive, with a pulse Thor can feel and a breath he can taste. Thor slips his hands under Loki's shirt and runs them over his narrow back, feeling the gentle warmth of his skin, striving to touch the life and vitality coursing through it. An assurance that this being truly exists, that Loki is real.

Soon, Loki is pulling away to hastily remove their shirts, tossing them to the floor. A split-second later, Thor reaches out to bring their lips together again, taking advantage of Loki's surprised gasp to thrust his tongue into the other's mouth, and Loki moans deep in his throat in response.

Loki brings his hands up to Thor's chest again, gently pushing him away as he gasps for breath, his eyes intent on Thor's. Without a word, Loki slides off Thor's lap, kneeling down on the floor as he slowly pries Thor's knees apart and slips between them.

Loki looks up at him from between his legs, his eyes sparkling and his reddened lips slightly parted to take in rough panting breaths. Thor's member twitches at the sight. He lets out a contented sigh as Loki undoes his jeans, then he abandons himself to the warm moisture of Loki's mouth. Marveling at his skillful tongue, Thor vaguely wonders how many times Loki has done this before. The thought makes him knot his fingers into Loki's dark locks possessively as he moans and draws him closer.

His breath is ragged as the play of Loki's lips and fingers on his skin overwhelms his senses. He struggles to whisper hoarsely, “I'm coming,” hoping to give Loki the chance to pull away, but instead Loki pulls him deeper as he gives a shuddering thrust and releases.

“ _Loki...! Oh gods, Loki...!_ ”

Loki instantly tenses and, before Thor is even finished, struggles to pull off of him, gagging and coughing in the process. He glares at Thor, flushed and angry, his chest heaving as he wipes away the semen dripping from his mouth with the back of his hand, “What the hell did you just call me?”

Thor gazes at him languidly, struggling to comprehend what's happening through his euphoric haze, “What's wrong, Loki?”

Loki's face contorts in rage as he stands and slaps Thor hard across the cheek. “Stop calling me that!”

Thor simply stares at Loki in amazement for a moment before he processes what he's done. Silently cursing himself, he lets out a heavy sigh and closes his eyes. It would be now of all times that he finally slips and calls Loki by name. He looks up at Loki and grabs hold of his hands to try to pull him into an embrace. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean – ”

“Don't touch me!” Loki hisses as he pulls his arms from Thor's grasp and backs away, looking disgusted. “Don't you even know who I am?” he breathes harshly, pain finally breaking through the anger in his voice.

The words cut deeply, but not for the reasons Loki meant as he uttered them, and Thor lowers his head sadly, cringing at the sound of the bedroom door being slammed shut.

He takes a moment to compose himself before rising with determination and knocking on the bedroom door. There's no answer, but he enters anyway to find Loki curled up on the bed facing away from the door.

Thor sits down heavily on the edge of the bed with his back to Loki and looks at his hands. He desperately wants to say something, but he's too afraid of saying the wrong thing and even more afraid of doing the wrong thing, so he ends up sitting there, still and quiet.

–:)|(:–

Loki feels the bed dip as Thor sits down, and he curls up tighter into himself. The bitter thoughts running through his head make him sick to his stomach. It's not long before Loki finally decides to rise from the bed, ignoring Thor completely, in order to head for the door again. He only gets a few steps away before Thor catches his arm, halting his escape.

“Please,” Thor whispers, power rumbling deep in his quiet voice, “Stay.” Thor's other hand reaches up to caress the sensitive skin on the inside of Loki's arm, fingertips making a lazy trail from his wrist to the inside of his elbow.

Loki lets out a small gasp as he trembles at the touch and the undeniable response in his body to it.

“Let me make this right,” Thor says as he brings Loki's hand to his lips, keeping his eyes downcast as he kisses the pale knuckles.

Loki looks down at Thor kissing his hand, not quite understanding why the subservience implied in the gesture pleases him so greatly.

He takes a few hesitant steps back towards the bed, and then Thor suddenly gives his arm a tug, forcing him to tumble onto the bed. He immediately attempts to get back up, but Thor lets out a cheerful chuckle as he playfully grabs hold of Loki's waist and wrestles him back onto the bed. As if they have momentarily reverted to children, they tumble around on the sheets until Thor finally ends up on top of Loki, grinning victoriously and huffing from the sudden exertion.

His wrists pinned next to his head by Thor's firm hands, Loki glares up at Thor in annoyance, but the true anger is gone from his eyes now. He lies still for a moment, somewhat dazzled by Thor's warm smile. Slowly, Thor lowers his head to nuzzle against Loki's neck, planting small kisses along the soft skin there. Loki's breath quickens as he struggles to stay in control of his body and not simply give in to the glorious sensations shooting through him, threatening to derail his mind completely.

Thor lifts his head to gaze at Loki again, his blue eyes burning bright and electric. Loki tenses and shrinks beneath that gaze, wishing for all the world that he could avoid it.

“Why do I see fear when I look at you with fire in my eyes?” Thor whispers gently.

Loki lowers his eyes pensively as if to hide behind the dark lashes before speaking softly, “It's not the fire I fear, but the warmth behind it.”

“So,” Thor says quietly, “You reject my love even now.”

“Love?” Loki murmurs, looking up at Thor, emerald eyes wide in surprise.

“Yes, beautiful one,” Thor whispers, smiling the gentlest of smiles, “I love you... more than anything.”

Loki turns his head, looking away as a faint pink blush rises in his cheeks. He keeps his head turned to the side as he glances back to Thor out of the corner of his eye, “That's not something you say to someone while you have them pinned to a bed.”

“Is it not?” Thor says, gently running his thumbs over Loki's delicate wrists, “Well, I don't want you running away when I say it.”

Indeed, that's all Loki wants to do right now. Run away from the oppressive warmth of that stunning gaze. From the responding ache in his own chest. He has no idea why he feels like this feeling is so dangerous. Like he can't afford to indulge in it. Like his survival depends on the rejection of it. But as Thor's weight bears down on him, his hot body pressing against him, enveloping him in radiant heat, his lips like fire on his throat, Loki gasps. Survival be damned, because at this moment Thor's touch is the only thing that matters in the entire world.

It's like being graced by a beam of sunlight after spending an eternity withering in the shadows, and Loki wants nothing more than to bask in every precious inch that's offered to him.

When Thor shifts his hands upwards to trail his fingers between Loki's, Loki finds himself clasping Thor's hands and clinging to them like a lifeline. His mind goes blissfully blank as Thor lowers himself down Loki's body depositing soft kisses across his chest and making him curse under his breath when Thor's tongue darts out to tease his nipples.

Thor's lips trail lower, ending just above the waistband of Loki's jeans. He speaks into the skin there, letting his moist breath fall across Loki's stomach, “Shall I return the favor you gave me?”

“Oh god, yes,” mutters Loki, arching into Thor's touch as he quickly unzips Loki's jeans. Loki can't help watching in awe as Thor's lips descend upon him, warm and eager.

Then unexpected fear shoots through him. He suddenly feels like he should stop Thor, feels like this majestic creature shouldn't be bestowing such attention on him. Yet he can't deny the immense pleasure it gives him to see the man doing so. Far more pleasure than it should. Such _vicious_ pleasure.

The strange knot of emotions twists in his stomach as his eyes follow every move Thor makes. The way his blond locks trail over Loki's thighs as his head bobs up and down, the stretch of his reddened lips around Loki's length, the rough press of his fingertips against Loki's hips as he holds him in place. Loki's breath catches in his throat. It frightens him how much he enjoys this.

Far too quickly, the densely coiled tension in his body becomes unbearable. He frantically grips the sheets beneath him, reluctantly taking his eyes off of Thor for the first time as he clamps his eyes shut when he comes. Thor tenses, but doesn't pull away as he accepts his release. Loki smiles and groans in satisfaction.

His ecstasy feels almost triumphant.

–:)|(:–

Thor tries to catch his breath as he lies down beside Loki again, proudly admiring Loki's rosy cheeks and the dazed, blissful look in his eyes.

But the blissful look gradually fades, and when Loki returns to his senses, he's alarmingly sober. “Who's Loki?”

Thor groans and closes his eyes, turning away from Loki to lie on his back, “It's not important.”

“Not important?” Loki echoes, “You yelled that name while you came in my mouth!”

Thor furrows his brow in frustration. “Please. Forget it.”

Loki's hand reaches out to latch onto Thor's arm, brutally digging his nails into the skin. Thor yelps and takes hold of Loki's hand to restrain him.

“Whose name is it?” Loki asks as he increases the pressure, threatening to tear the skin.

“Agh! Stop! It's your name!”

Loki's gaze darkens. “What do you mean? It's my name?”

Thor mentally kicks himself. “Please, just leave it,” he says desperately.

In an instant, Loki has straddled Thor, looking down at him menacingly. “What the hell is wrong with you?” he snarls.

His eyes search Thor's face for a long moment before they widen in sudden comprehension. “No...” he continues softly, the anger draining from his face, “That's the wrong question, isn't it?” He lets out a breath and his eyes flutter shut briefly before continuing, “All this time, I've been asking the wrong question. It's not about you... it's about me.”

Loki's clear green eyes pierce deep into Thor's as Loki's thoughts finally seem to fall into place. When he speaks, his voice trembles. “There's something wrong with me, isn't there?”

Thor is taken aback, his mouth falling open ineffectually.

Loki's stare intensifies, “There's something wrong with everything here, isn't there?”

Thor's chest tightens. He desperately wishes he could tell Loki it's not true.

Loki sees Thor's every reaction clearly, reading his answers without his permission. And Loki's eyes begin to widen in fright as he continues, almost speaking to himself, “I see such vivid dreams that I wake up not knowing what is real and what is not... I see you in my dreams, but I call you by a different name.”

Thor squirms uncomfortably beneath Loki.

“I see so much power and pain and rage and hate...” Loki rambles on, his composure crumbling more and more with every word until his unsteady voice descends into something like infinite sadness, “I don't see you as I do now... You're... concealed from me...”

Thor can't stand to see so much pain and sorrow in Loki's wide fearful eyes. He reaches up to pull Loki down against his chest, shuddering when he feels Loki's tears fall on his skin. It breaks Thor's heart to see him like this. His proud brother, so open, so helpless. He tries to smooth Loki's hair comfortingly with a trembling hand. “Put them out of your mind. They're just dreams.”

“But, they're not, are they?” Loki manages to sob into Thor's shoulder.

Thor looks to the heavens in despair. _He knows_ , he thinks dismally, _he knows_.

There's nothing more Thor can say, nothing more he can confirm or deny. All he can do is hold Loki tighter, so tight he can feel the frantic racing of Loki's heart. A thunderous beat that seems to echo in Thor's chest like the hooves of a galloping horse trying to outrun destiny.

–:)|(:–

It feels like an eternity that they lay together in silence, Thor keeping Loki tightly wrapped in his arms.

When at last the tension has left Loki's body and his breath has gone slow and shallow, Thor thinks he might have fallen asleep. He shifts to try to roll him off of his chest, but instead hears a deep sigh and Loki sits up, wide awake and gazing calmly at Thor.

Thor clears his throat, feeling compelled to say something to break the silence, “Listen, I – ”

“Not a single word,” Loki mutters quietly, his voice tense with frustration, “I've decided I don't give a shit, okay? Whatever's really going on, whatever I'm missing... It would take you away from me, right? If that's true, then I don't need it. I don't want it... I...” he swallows hesitantly before forcing out the words, “I have everything I need right here.”

Without warning, Loki surges forward to kiss him, and Thor's eyes widen as he processes what Loki has just said.

Although Thor is well aware that he can't take these words at face value as being Loki's true feelings, certainly not while Loki still has no idea what the real situation is, it strikes him that they are probably the closest thing to a direct confession of love that he is ever going to get from Loki. Suddenly, his heart leaps for joy, the thrill of a hard-won victory singing in his veins. And in that moment, Thor feels like he'd do anything in the world for Loki, anything to protect this bond between them.

He'll figure out some way to deal with this situation. He must. He gave Loki his word he'd keep him safe, and he intends to keep it.

–:)|(:–

Loki is quieter than usual that evening. He retreats into his notebooks and absorbs himself in writing, curled up in one of the armchairs, trying his best to distract himself and not dwell on the afternoon's conversation. Somehow that ends up being remarkably easy, the strange conversation sinking quickly to the back of his mind like it wants to be forgotten. Thor has to remind him to eat dinner, but he seems to have little appetite anyway. He soon returns to his books, leaving Thor to clean up. But Thor seems content enough to give him his space, doing the dishes in silence.

It's only when his eyes grow tired and blurry and his concentration fails that a new dread fills Loki. It had been easy enough to dismiss the nightmares when he thought they were merely dreams, but if any part of those visions is real... Suddenly, the thought of falling asleep becomes terrifying.

He approaches Thor quietly as he is drying off the last plate and touches his shoulder to get his attention.

Thor looks at him with a small smile, “Going to bed?”

Loki avoids his gaze as he clenches his fists at his side. Oh, how he'd rather be doing anything in the world than this right now. He grits his teeth. _Just say it_ , he tells himself, _just swallow your damn pride and say it_.

Finally, Loki lets out a frustrated sigh and looks up at Thor. “Sleep in the bed with me,” he commands quietly, taking hold of Thor's hand and grudgingly leading him to the bedroom.

Thor tries his best not to laugh as he lets himself be pulled along. Loki quickly strips down to his T-shirt and boxers, and Thor does the same before Loki draws him into the bed.

“Just sleep, that's all,” Loki says, glaring at Thor pointedly to make sure he knows this isn't an invitation to cuddle.

Thor clearly gets the message as he grins and settles in under the covers facing Loki, leaving a respectful gap of a few inches between them, but he also seems unusually cheerful at the prospect of sleeping in the same bed, some kind of nostalgic twinkle in his eyes. Loki hopes this isn't a huge mistake.

“Goodnight,” Thor whispers softly before taking a deep breath and closing his eyes.

Loki sighs as he watches Thor's face. As embarrassing as it is, he can't deny that he has never felt as safe and comfortable in this bed as he did when Thor lay next to him. What's odd is that it almost seems familiar, wanting to seek out Thor's presence in the dark of night, as if he used to do it long ago when he was alone and scared.

He waits until he thinks Thor is sleeping before reaching out to gently lay his hand on Thor's wrist, seeking a point of contact to remind himself that Thor is there with him, then he finally closes his eyes.

At the touch, Thor opens his eyes slowly to see Loki with his eyes closed and his hand resting lightly against Thor's arm. He smiles warmly before closing his eyes again and lets himself sink into a contented sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, 100 kudos?! I feel so humbled and grateful... (´∇ﾉ｀*)ノ Thank you so much for reading and for all the lovely comments!


	6. Chapter 6

The harsh ring of the telephone startles both Thor and Loki awake. Thor groans under the assault of the bright morning light that pours in unchecked from the windows before clumsily dragging himself from the bed and into the living room.

After finding the source of the noise, he stares at the blaring machine with distrust, trying to decide whether or not to answer. After a few rings, the answering machine picks up and Tony Stark's urgent voice fills the room. “Thor! Thor! If you're there, pick up the damn phone!”

Thor clamors to pick up the phone, stealing a quick glance at Loki who's now watching him with curiosity from the bedroom doorway. “What is it, Stark?” Thor whispers urgently.

“Director Fury just contacted me trying to find you,” Tony mutters, somewhat out of breath, “Something about Asgard having a message for you.”

Thor freezes. What is dire enough that anyone from Asgard would need to contact him here?

“I told him I didn't know where you were,” Tony continues quickly, “But if you don't want anyone coming to visit you over there, then you better report for duty ASAP. Just a heads up.”

Before Thor can even respond, Tony hangs up and the line goes silent. Feeling dazed, Thor puts down the phone and looks up at Loki who is now tugging nervously at his shirt, unsure of whether to ask questions or not.

“I need to go out for a while,” Thor says quickly, approaching Loki and gently placing his hand on his cheek, “Stay here. Don't leave the apartment. I'll be back soon.”

Thor swoops in for a quick kiss, but feels Loki tense under the press of his lips. Thor pulls back, smiling reassuringly, “Don't worry.”

“I'm not worried,” he huffs, frowning, “It's just...” His expression grows dark, his eyes glinting in warning, “If you're cheating on me...”

Thor suppresses a chuckle before trying unsuccessfully to settle into a serious expression, “Fear not. I have seen what you do to your enemies. I am well aware that it would be unwise to incur your wrath.”

Loki's brow furrows in confusion, as if this is not at all the kind of reassurance he was expecting. Thor turns away to hastily pull on some jeans and a new T-shirt before rushing out of the front door.

Figuring it would be faster than taking a cab in the morning rush hour, Thor decides to run the few blocks it takes to get to Stark Tower. After checking in with the SHIELD agents there, it takes almost an hour of talking to various people, getting security clearances, and being forced to wait before Thor is shuffled into an isolated room and seated in front of a monitor to receive a video call.

It's hard to conceal his surprise when Sif's face appears on the screen.

“Thor... I'm glad I found you,” she begins hesitantly, looking uneasy.

“What's wrong, Sif?”

She takes a deep breath before leveling him with a steady gaze. “We have reason to believe that Loki is dead.”

Thor's brow furrows, “That's impossible...”

“We got word that he was caught and killed after desecrating an ancient temple in Vanaheim, trying to steal a relic there...”

Thor shakes his head vehemently, “That can't be...”

“The All-Father wishes you to return immediately to... Thor! Thor!”

He doesn't hear her. His head is swimming as he quickly stands and leaves the room.

He makes his way out of the building and runs straight back to the apartment, his heart racing. It's not possible. He had just left Loki. He can't be dead.

He bursts through the front door to find Loki stretched out on the sofa reading peacefully.

Loki looks up, eyes wide in surprise, “Is something wrong?”

Thor's entire body relaxes in relief. Loki _is_ alive. But what does this mean?

Then it hits him. Loki had said it would be obvious when it would be safe for him to return. Something has happened to make everyone think that Loki is dead, and in that case, whoever Loki is hiding from believes their goal is accomplished.

So Loki is safe now. He can come back.

An unexpected wave of sorrow washes over Thor as he looks at Loki. The man that sits before him now is truly free, innocent of the crimes of his past, and Thor suddenly feels the terrible weight of his responsibility to place the shackles of that past upon him again.

“What's wrong?” Loki asks, quickly putting down his book and rushing over to Thor, “Are... are you crying?”

Thor blinks away the tears forming in his eyes and shakes his head. This man is innocent, yes, but he knows nothing of the centuries they spent living together and fighting side by side. This man is a lover, but Loki is so much more than a lover to Thor. He knows he can't expect Loki to be different after all this and he doesn't dare hope that he will be, but is it selfish of Thor to want his brother back even so? However imperfect he may be? Even with all his darkness now entwined with the light in his soul?

So Thor forces himself to smile as he looks into those innocent eyes of a time long gone and says to Loki, “I have a gift for you.”

Thor's feet seem impossibly heavy as he heads to the hall closet and returns with a small bundle of white cloth. Loki's worried eyes follow him warily as he approaches with it.

“Before you open it,” Thor says, struggling to keep his voice calm, “I would ask you to kiss me.”

Thor doesn't add “one last time,” but Loki seems to have seen it clearly in the pained expression on his face. Inexplicably, Loki finds himself overcome with emotion as he looks up at Thor, his eyes wide and growing wet with tears, “Why does it sound like you're saying goodbye?”

Thor can't breath. Those eyes are tearing his heart to pieces. “Please do it for me.”

Loki gently caresses Thor's cheek, and Thor's eyes flutter shut. He feels Loki's warm breath, his lips upon his own, and he can't help but pull Loki to him with one arm as they kiss.

He holds on to Loki for as long as he possibly can before releasing him. For a few moments, Thor gazes fondly at him before reluctantly letting his eyes return to the bundle in his hand. He takes a deep determined breath and offers it to Loki.

Suddenly seeming frightened, Loki gives him a questioning look, and Thor tries his best to smile reassuringly, “Trust me.”

Loki hesitantly accepts the bundle of cloth. His hand trembles as he moves to unwrap it, but he stops. Some part of him, deep inside, must know what is coming. “I can't,” he pleads, his voice uneven with emotion.

Thor's insides twist with anguished guilt as he gently lays his hand on Loki's, helping him unwrap the dagger.

The moment Loki's skin touches the polished metal, he screams as if scalded by it. He lets it fall from his hands as he stumbles to his knees and bends over, his breathing strained and heavy. A few seconds later, his breath evens out, and he looks up at Thor sharply.

Thor's heart sinks. The hatred is back.

Loki glares at Thor as he slowly rises to his feet.

“Do you...” Thor begins.

“Yes,” Loki hisses, “I remember. Everything.”

Thor lowers his head. It's over then. It's all over.

Loki is unrelenting. “No words of apology for what you did to me?”

Thor finds himself remarkably calm as he fixes him with a steady gaze, “I have no regrets about the time I was able to spend with you.”

Loki scoffs, “You sentimental fool. So you enjoyed having me that way? A toy for your amusement?”

Anger flashes in Thor's eyes, “You know that's not true. I suffered as well. You saw my pain!”

“Hmph, yes,” Loki's hushed voice is razor sharp as he steps forward to invade Thor's space, drawing close enough to whisper in his ear, “I saw your weakness...” Thor shudders as Loki's lips brush against his ear, his breath warm on his skin. It makes Loki's meaning painfully clear. _It's me_ , he means to tell him, _I am your weakness_ _, Thor..._

Thor grits his teeth, but stands his ground, refusing to back away from Loki.

Loki smiles broadly as he drapes his arms around Thor's neck, caressing the bare skin with his slender fingers. “And, oh, how I love to see you brought to ruin.”

Thor lashes out, violently knocking Loki's arms away before grabbing hold of him by the collar of his shirt. “How dare you!” he growls, his face contorted with rage, “My affections were genuine, Loki! I – ”

Thor suddenly stills, his breathing heavy, his face inches from Loki's. This exact situation has happened countless times before, brother confronting brother, but this time it feels entirely different. They are different. The angry tension is tainted with something new. It's clear Loki feels it too, in the hitch in his breath, his eyes wide in surprise mingled with anticipation.

Something snaps in Thor's mind. He pulls Loki to him, kissing him with brutal force, and Loki responds in like kind, pressing greedily into Thor's mouth before drawing a lip between his teeth and biting down hard.

Thor grunts and pulls away, eying Loki suspiciously. But Loki's eyes are dancing with mirth as he wets his lips with a swipe of his tongue. “Come, brother. No more games. Show me what you truly wish to do to me.”

Thor pauses, his expression stormy as anger and desire mingle in his veins. A flicker of reason returns to his eyes for only a moment before it vanishes again, chased away by the press of Loki's fingers against the front of his jeans. Thor doesn't think anymore, he simply acts. He grits his teeth and bats Loki's hand away before he grabs hold of Loki's hips, pulling their bodies flush together as the attacks Loki's mouth again.

The kiss is savage as Loki digs his fingertips unrelentingly into Thor's biceps, and Thor's body roars in response. Yes, _this is Loki_. The one who would turn a kiss into a battle. The one whose passion runs fierce and wild.

Thor's hand entwines in Loki's hair as he moves to bury his face in the crook of Loki's neck and inhales deeply. “Loki...” he breathes, grinding his hips insistently against Loki's thigh as his other hand lowers to grab hold of the curve of Loki's buttocks.

Loki grins into Thor's shoulder, “Now who's the eager one?”

Thor's anger instantly spikes through the taut line of his lust. His body stills as he tightens his hold on Loki, his teeth threatening to scrape against the soft skin of Loki's neck as he growls quietly, “And you still need to learn to still your tongue.” He doesn't move a muscle as he speaks, but the thunder of threat rumbles deep in his voice. Loki's body seems to resonate with that thunder, tensing as his eyes flutter shut, savoring its tenor.

In a sudden flurry of movement, Thor struggles to strip Loki of his shirt, tearing the fabric in his haste before throwing it to the floor, then removing his own shirt in one swift movement. He lays a sloppy kiss on Loki's lips as he swiftly works to unfasten Loki's jeans.

Loki grunts into Thor's mouth as Thor pulls their bodies together again, locking an arm around Loki's waist as his hand reaches down to run his fingers along the front of his underwear, feeling the firm flesh of Loki's erection straining underneath. The touch is barely enough to tease, but when Loki attempts to press into it to feel more, Thor moves his hand, raising it to his stomach before following the jagged line of Loki's hip around to his back. He reaches down into Loki's jeans again, slipping beneath his underwear to feel the sleek curve of his buttocks, then questing further down to run a finger lightly across the outside of his entrance.

Loki bucks in surprise at the contact, breaking the kiss to spit out a curse, but Thor keeps hold of his waist, moving his lips to Loki's ear to whisper between heaving breaths, “Is this what you want, Loki?”

Loki bites his lip to silence the desperate sounds that threaten to fall from his mouth as Thor's finger slowly circles the outside of his hole. “Tell me,” Thor chokes out, his voice completely wrecked with desperate need. His finger stills above the ring of muscle, pressing gently without penetrating.

Loki makes a strangled sound before Thor's hand retreats, rising to rest at the base of Loki's spine. Thor takes a deep uneven breath in an effort to calm himself. “Tell me, Loki,” he repeats gently, his voice barely a whisper, “I wish to hear it truly from your lips.”

Overcome with frustration, Loki roughly grabs hold of Thor's hair to tilt his head harshly to the side, bringing Thor's ear in line with his lips. “Yes, damn you, yes!” he hisses.

Thor practically groans in relief, pulling Loki closer before his body suddenly stiffens in realization. “Oil,” Thor mutters breathlessly, “We need oil.”

Loki rolls his eyes in exasperation, “Bedroom. Now.” He pries himself out of Thor's arms before grabbing hold of Thor by the waistband of his jeans and dragging him into the bedroom.

He shoves Thor roughly towards the bed before opening the drawer of the nightstand, swiftly taking out a small bottle of lube.

Thor eyes it questioningly, “What is that?”

“The Midgardian equivalent,” Loki explains, offering it to Thor.

Thor makes no move to take it, instead he looks darkly at Loki, a hint of anger in his voice, “Why do you have this?”

Loki lets out an exaggerated sigh, “For some strange reason, I was under the impression we might get around to using it. Forgive me if I didn't realize what an insufferable moral code you _mmph –_ ”

Thor quickly silences Loki with his lips before grasping his shoulders and pushing him onto the bed. He tugs off Loki's jeans and underwear with a swift fluid motion before turning his attention to himself, shedding the rest of his own clothes and kicking them to the side.

Thor's chest is heaving as he towers over Loki, taking in the beautiful sight of the pale body laid out before him. Loki's eyes widen slightly in apprehension as Thor climbs onto the bed gently spreading Loki's legs apart with his knees. Thor plants a soft kiss on Loki's lips as he reaches down to take Loki's erection in his hand, stroking him with slow deliberate motions until he feels Loki's fingers clawing at his hips in a silent plea.

Thor quickly reaches for the bottle of lube that Loki had left lying next to him on the sheets. He sits back and fixes his eyes on Loki's face as he prepares him. Although Loki has closed his eyes, Thor can still see the way his brow furrows in strain and his lips quiver in anticipation as he takes Thor's fingers inside him. Loki's mouth is open and panting, groaning softly as he is stretched. Finally, when Thor adds a third finger, Loki slowly opens his eyes and looks at Thor, imploring.

Thor wastes no time removing his fingers and positioning himself above Loki. His member is painfully hard, and it takes all of his patience to ease himself slowly into Loki. Hands clinging helplessly to the sheets, Loki's body tenses as he feels the stretch. “Thor...” he moans out between gasping breaths.

Thor smiles as he pauses to catch his breath. “I finally get to hear you say my name,” he says as he settles over Loki.

He cups Loki's face in his hand and looks into those brilliant green eyes. He's so close to him. Thor can feel every inch of Loki's soft skin against his own, he is breathing Loki's warm breath, and his heart aches with the strength of desire bordering on anguish. This longing for Loki is not as simple as love or lust, Thor realizes. It's something that weighs real and profoundly in his chest. Something resonating deep inside him like a dark echo to the warm light of his heart. It's a response he desperately needs, a verification of the reality of his existence.

Thor feels Loki's legs wrap around him, drawing him close and urging him to move. Thor struggles to comply, still overwhelmed by the tight heat inside Loki. At last, he seems to find a steady rhythm, thrusting into Loki in long deep strokes, and Loki's hands tangle eagerly in his blond locks as Loki seeks his mouth for a hungry kiss.

Thor marvels at Loki writhing in pleasure beneath him. For as much vulnerability as he has seen Loki show in the time he'd thought himself mortal, this is Loki truly laid bare, knowing full well every protective layer he casts aside, knowing full well the heart of what lays underneath.

He can see that Loki won't last much longer. He reaches between them to grab hold of Loki's member, and Loki moans mindlessly as he strokes him. Soon, Loki tenses and cries out as he comes, his back aching off the bed. Thor groans in response as Loki's hole clenches around him, and he plunges deeper as he finally releases into Loki's body.

Struggling to catch his breath, Thor pulls out and collapses next to Loki. For several minutes, they lie there quietly with only the sound of harsh breathing filling the room, Loki on his back with his eyes closed and Thor gazing warmly at Loki. Finally, Thor reaches out to carefully sweep Loki's hair away from his face so he has a clear view of his striking profile.

“I love you,” Thor whispers softly.

Loki's expression turns pained, “Don't say that. I'm not your little innocent, mindless plaything anymore.”

Thor grasps Loki's chin and sharply turns Loki's face towards him, locking eyes with him. “I know _exactly_ who you are,” he says with a sudden intensity verging on anger, “and my words remain true.”

Loki gazes at him quietly for a moment, his face expressionless. “Fool,” he finally mutters before turning to face away from Thor.

Thor can't resist putting an arm around Loki's waist, and when Loki doesn't protest, he pulls him close, pressing his chest against Loki's back and burying his face in his dark hair. “Loki, how much of it was true?”

Loki clenches his jaw, “Let's just say, I sincerely wish none of it had ever happened.”

Thor's blood runs cold. It couldn't have all been false, could it? Every laugh, every touch? His voice trembles as he speaks, “You mean... You didn't...”

Hearing the distress in Thor's voice, Loki sighs heavily, “Must you be so dramatic. I'm lying here with you now of my own volition, aren't I? Shouldn't that tell you everything you need to know?”

Thor is silent for a moment. He knows that fact should be a comfort, but the pang of unease remains. He needs to know for certain. “Loki... please... When you were under that spell, your actions... your feelings... Was that really you?”

“I don't know!” Loki snaps angrily. He takes a deep frustrated breath, then says more calmly, “That's the truth, Thor. I just don't know. It's not like I've done this before. The effects of memory spells are complicated...”

His voice seems calm on the surface, but Thor hears a distinct note of fear underneath. Thor suddenly remembers something he'd overheard Frigga say to Loki about being so observant about everyone except himself. Perhaps Loki can't even tell if his actions were truly his own or not. Perhaps he's just as confused as Thor.

Thor's voice is gentle when he speaks again, “When you came to my apartment, did you know – ”

“Did I know this was going to happen? Do you really think I would have come within a mile of you if I thought this might happen?”

Thor's grip instinctively tightens around Loki's waist.

“But it's happened now,” Loki continues, “so there's nothing to be done, I suppose.” He untangles himself from Thor's arms and gets up from the bed, calmly walking out of the room.

Thor quickly stands and follows him, “I'm glad it's happened.”

Loki almost laughs out loud as he heads into the bathroom, “Of course you are. You think I'll go back to being the good little brother now.”

Thor's face falls, “You're leaving then?”

“As soon as you show me where you've hidden my clothes.” Loki glances at the shower as if considering it before settling for rinsing off his face and toweling himself down at the sink.

Thor tries to hide his disappointment as watches him for a moment before disappearing to retrieve the outfit Loki arrived in. He had tried his best to clean it, but it was difficult without the proper tools. There are still remnants of blood caked in the creases and crevices of the leather and metal as he hands it over to Loki.

Loki frowns at the state of the garment, but proceeds to start pulling on the pants.

Thor looks at the floor, his voice sounding small, “Could you not stay?” Thor already knows what the answer will be, but he decides to ask the question anyway.

“Think, Thor,” Loki says with exasperation, “Do you have any idea how many people I had just killed before I wound up on your doorstep? My double may have fooled the tracking curses on that damn book, but Stark knows I'm here and eventually that will get back to Asgard.”

Thor closes his eyes briefly and sighs in resignation. “Then before you go, may I ask you one thing?”

“Something tells me you will, whether you receive permission or not,” Loki mutters as he finishes lacing up his trousers.

“Why did you never tell me what happened to you after you fell off the Bifrost?”

Loki gives Thor a puzzled expression.

“I mean...” Thor clarifies, “Was what you wrote in that notebook true? The one you said was dreams? Did that really happen?”

Loki opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again, pausing and furrowing his brow in confusion. “That's not... I... I don't...” he fumbles before looking away, utterly perplexed.

Thor is stunned. He's never seen Loki tongue-tied before.

Loki looks back to him as his eyes widen in realization. He rushes into the bedroom with Thor on his heels before hastily scattering the stack of notebooks on the nightstand and picking up the dream journal. Flipping madly through a few pages, he finally grows still and drops down to sit on the bed, his eyes unfocused and lost in thought.

“How did I forget all this?” he mutters quietly, “What the hell did they do to me? I...”

Loki's voice falls away as he lets the notebook fall to the floor. Still staring into space, his eyes widen in fear, “No... oh, gods, no... please...” Suddenly he's madly gasping for breath, his chest heaving.

“Loki! Loki!” Thor calls as he kneels before Loki, grabbing his shoulders in an attempt to draw the attention of his brother's unfocused eyes as they frantically dart around the room. “It's okay. You're safe now. Look at me. Loki! Look at me!” Thor frantically begs as he frames Loki's panicked face between his hands.

Loki's frightened eyes find and focus on Thor, and Loki finally seems able to breath again. Tears well up in his eyes, and it takes a moment before he can choke out a quiet plea between uneven breaths, “Thor...”

Thor moves automatically as Loki's tears begin to fall, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close.

“Oh, gods, Thor,” Loki struggles to say, his voice completely wrecked, “I remember... I remember it all.”

“I've got you. You're safe,” Thor whispers over and over in his ear.

So Loki had never told him because he didn't remember it. Whatever had happened in the void, Loki's memory of it was probably gone or altered by the time he had arrived on Earth. Thor grows hopeful. Maybe, just maybe, all that madness with the Tesseract had not been entirely Loki's fault. Maybe he can still get his brother back after all.

Bathed in Thor's gentle assurances, Loki's breathing gradually evens out and he grows still. Soon, he's glaring out over Thor's shoulder in grim determination, trembling with anger instead of fear as he whispers, “I'll find them. I'll kill them.”

Thor takes hold of Loki's shoulders again and moves back to look him in the eye, “No.”

“I swear, Thor,” Loki's eyes glinting dangerously, “if you dare try to pull some high and mighty – ”

“ _We_ will find them,” Thor states firmly, placing his hand on the familiar place on the back of Loki's neck, “and we will deal with them _together_. Whoever it is, they will pay for every single second of suffering they caused you.”

Loki's eyes search Thor's for a long moment before he lets out a small laugh. “It won't do any good to tell you 'no,' will it?”

Thor smiles gently as he reaches up to wipe away the tears on Loki's wet cheek, “That's right.”

A precious moment of understanding passes between them, the kind that is only born of living side by side for centuries.

“In that case,” Loki admits, “I suppose I can tolerate your presence for a while longer.”

Thor can't help grinning like an idiot.

“Now, get some pants on for Hel's sake.”

Still smiling, Thor releases Loki, grabbing his jeans from the floor and tugging them on.

With single-minded purpose, Loki rises from the bed and grabs the discarded notebook from the ground before tossing it onto the pile with the others on the floor. A flick of his wrist and the pile erupts into roaring flames.

“Loki!” Thor exclaims, “What are you doing?!”

“They've served their purpose,” Loki says quietly as he gazes at the burning notebooks, his face impassive.

Thor watches sadly as the flames slowly die out. He's not sure what he expected Loki to do with the notebooks. Perhaps, in the back of his mind, he'd hoped to read them. Or perhaps it saddened him that the act felt so much like an act of self-loathing, a rejection of everything he had done while he was under the spell.

Thor swallows roughly as he reaches into his pocket and removes a folded piece of paper, the poem Loki had written for him. He gazes steadily at Loki as he hands it to him.

Loki doesn't move a muscle as he considers the offering, “Why do you give me this?”

Thor sighs in resignation, “If it's not your true feelings, then I do not want it.”

Loki stands still as a statue for a long moment before a spark of warmth touches his eyes. “Keep it,” he says softly, “It was true enough when I wrote it.”

Loki quickly turns and exits the room, leaving Thor awash with relief. This, at least, was true. It's only one small thing, but it's enough for Thor to hang on to for now.

He moves to slip the piece of paper back into his pocket before realizing he should be putting on his armor. He rushes to gather his Asgardian clothes from the closet and dresses himself quickly, tucking the paper into the pocket of his tunic before proceeding to buckle on his armor.

Once he's finished, he enters the living room to find Loki fully dressed, kneeling down to pick up the dagger that was left abandoned on the floor. When Loki stands a moment later, the blade is sheathed and hidden again under his jacket. His outfit looks new and shining, the blood and dirt cleaned off with magic.

Loki is back in his old clothes, but he looks different. Not as Thor remembers him. It's then that Thor sees him. His brother. His _true_ brother. There's a brightness in his eyes that Thor hasn't seen in a very long time. A small spark of hope.

Loki smiles, “Ready to go, brother?”

–:) _fin_ (:–

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as porn-with-plot, but somehow all these complicated emotions took over. I was unprepared for how cathartic writing this would be for all my Thorki feels... Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the ride! I have more Thorki stories on the way. ^_^


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